Breathe
by Superschwiizer
Summary: Mathieu had hidden everything so well. His jealousy, his illness, even the fact that he hated himself. But when everything finally comes to a point where he can't take anymore...what will happen? SLASH, AMERICEST, YAOI BOYXBOY. DON'T LIKE THEN DON'T READ.
1. Chapter 1

**Here it is. My next AMECAN fanfic. I know it was going to be called Murder Trap but as I read through it...it just didn't fit. What with Mattie's condition and all. But don't worry, there will be plenty of jealous!Mattie for all you darlings and your twisted little little minds.**

**Disclaimer: NOTHING IS MINE EXCEPT I DO OWN AN ITALIAN LEATHER CHAIR.**

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><p>Being told over and over to wait, to be patient, to just have faith; it's sickening and isn't fair at all. Being told to wait for his lover to call was not enough for young Mathieu Williams. Waiting alone on this dark night might be enough to make him finally snap. The way the wind howled and screamed through the trees reminded him of nails on chalk boards. Pouring rain slammed into the side of his suburban home, hissing for a way to get in but no finding any.<p>

Mathieu sat curled up in the big Italian leather armchair in his dorms sitting area, clutching his phone to his chest. The only light in the room came from a crackling fire, illuminating Mattie's small form in white and pale yellow light. It reflected off his glasses and made his shivering porcelain skin sparkle, as if he was some sort of ethereal angel.

This wasn't the first time Mattie had been left waiting – sometime for hours – for Alfred to finally call him. He hadn't seen his American boyfriend since their last class session at World W Academy the week prior, but that was nothing out of the ordinary. Neither was it out of the ordinary that Alfred had immediately left for Britain with Arthur without telling he loved him of even goodbye.

Mathieu's body tightened when he remembered exactly where his lover was coming back from. And it wasn't fair. There wasn't even anything special about the English twat Arthur. He had enormous eyebrows, yells too much to be healthy, and couldn't cook to save his own life. Oh yes, his food was atrocious. And for a food-loving man like Alfred wanting to spend time with him…it wasn't normal. The break was only a month but it still hurt to be left all alone like this. Turning his lavender gave to the fireplace, Mathieu gazed into the flames as if they held all the answers he needed.

'Doesn't he love me anymore?' Mattie wondered forlornly.

An ember jumped from the opening of the fireplace, glowing red-hot on the white linoleum tiling before it before quickly fizzling out into a black speck of nothing. The beautiful blonde Canadian felt bad for the ember. He knew how it felt to be rejected by the people he loves most and discarded as past garbage. Mathieu wasn't even sure he could feel anything else but sadness and rejection when he was alone. And without Alfred around his mind was a deep set tempest of negative thoughts and emotions that had the power to drag down even the happiest of people.

The bandages encircling his wrist proved that fact.

Mathieu coughed delicately and turned his gaze out the window. The sky seemed to be crying for him. The rain had no singular form and just seemed to fall in sheets before the wind would whip it up and paint the clouds with its essence. Even the full moon seemed to want to hide its face in shame or the way that the people it had to watch over were treating Mathieu.

'Great…now I'm personifying everything…' he thought with a soft sigh, shaking his head and looking down at his phone.

Clicking the lock on his phone off and looking down at its screen, Mathieu blankly checked for new messages. The little text message icon wasn't lit up, neither was the one for missed calls or voicemails. Alfred hadn't even tried to contact him.

Just as the first pale fingers of sadness began a journey up to wrap around his neck Mathieu, his phone buzzed once to signal the presence of a new text message. Quickly hi opened it and read the first line.

_Hey Mattie! Sry I'm late! QAQ_

Mattie smiled fondly at the use of the emoticon. It was just like Al to use one. He went on to read the rest of the text.

_Arthur's been pretty clingy. He never wants to be alone! And he's been so feisty too! Anyways, I don't know when I'll be back. Probably like a week before break is over. Isn't that like in 2 weeks? Haha I dunno! But I'll be back when I'm back. I 3 you! XOXO – Al_

Mattie stared down at his phone in confusion, his delicate eyebrows furrowed together. Two weeks? He had to spend another two weeks without Alfred? That wasn't fair. The Canadian clenched his hands around his phone, trembling slightly with the tension inside his body. What did Arthur have that he didn't? Nothing. Not one fucking _thing_. But for some reason, some bizarre anomaly, Alfred wanted to spend more time with and old man like Arthur instead of his sweet, innocent lover Mathieu.

It didn't make any sense.

Mathieu let out a soft sigh and texted Alfred back. He needed to know what was going on.

_But Al...That means I'll be alone for nearly 3 weeks... What could be so important that you'd just leave me hanging like this...? It isn't fair and I don't like it... And if I did something wrong...please tell me... don't just leave me all alone for nearly a month and expect it not to hurt me at all..._

Lavender eyes watched as the text was sent, and instantly the little Canadian regretted it. Mathieu never wanted to be a bother to his brother. No, it just wasn't right. He was so sued to keeping everything bottled up and ignoring his sadness to keep Alfred happy. That's why he couldn't understand why he had just told Alfred how he felt. People were always telling him that he needed to open up more and show his feelings. That it would help him feel better. If that was true, why did he feeling like he had done something horribly _wrong_?

Mattie curled up closer into his leather armchair, coughing softly. His eyes screwed shut as that tiny little cough made a sharp pain go through his sternum. It had been months since he'd been diagnosed with Type 2 Brittle Asthma and it wasn't getting any better. He hadn't even had the chance to tell Alfred about it. The only other person who knew about it was Francis, his older brother, and he was also the only one who even seemed to care that he was sick.

The Frenchman would pop in at random times and cook for him. More often than not he had stories to tell Mathieu about his adventures with his friend Gilbert and Antonio. And he was adamant that, once Mathieu got the right set of medications to keep his illness in check, that he would introduce him to them. Mathieu loved hearing about Francis' adventures and was so thankful that he never once brought up Arthur. Mathieu knew that the Brit was a sore spot as well for Francis. It was comforting to know that someone was in the same place as he was for once.

Mathieu was pulled from his thoughts by the buzzing of his phone. He glanced down and read the message before his phone slipped from his hands and fell to the floor.

_Sry Mattie! Too busy to text! There's some crazy shit going down! Love you and see you at home!_

"Ah..." Mattie's hands went up to grip at his hair, tears filling his eyes and blurring everything around him. "Ahaha...he-he doesn't care... He doesn't care..."

A screeching laugh ripped through the air as Mattie felt his mind just absolutely snap. His lavender eyes were wide and unseeing through the salty tears pouring from them.

"Of course he didn't care. Why would he?" Mattie giggled mirthlessly, standing up from the chair and swaying slightly. "It's not like I'm in _pain_ or anything." He tripped slightly as he took his first few steps, looking down to glare at his phone.

With a feral snarl he picked it up and threw it across the room, not caring that it hit the curtains instead of the intended window and didn't break. Mathieu was seeing red. Everything was tinged with blood in his vision and it just fuelled the fire in his soul and mind even more. He stumbled over to the pictures of him and Alfred on the mantel piece and swiped his hand through them. It was sickeningly satisfying to see his brother's face cracked in the picture frames. He picked each picture of Alfred out of their frames and tossed them into the fire.

His brother's smiling face deserved to burn for ignoring him so much.

Mathieu ignored the stinging pain as he walked over the shards left from the shattered picture frames and out the door, heading down the hallway to his bathroom. He had calmed considerably as he stepped into the pristine white room. His anger had chilled to a little buzz of aggravation, replaced mostly by a deep-set pain that had been there for a long time.

"So plain..." Mattie said softly and looked in the mirror. His hands searched the drawer under the sink as he studied his reflection. Lavender eyes traced over the gentle curve of his jaw and the way his full lips curved down slightly into a little pouts. His doe eyes were large and soft looking, even in the state of complete and utter pain. His hair was wavy and a soft shade of blonde, lightly framing his face with one absurd cowlick curling out from his part. Did Alfred just not find his innocent exterior to be beautiful anymore?

Looking down quickly as he found what he needed, Mathieu his medication up so he could look at it. The little yellow bottle was already half empty, showing just how bad his illness was getting. With a soft sigh, he popped it open and raised two pills to his mouth. But before he could, a spasm suddenly shook his body and he dropped all the pills on the ground.

"No!" Mathieu gasped one hand going to his chest as he fell to his knees, still gripping the edge of the sink with his other. The tantrum he'd had had been too much for his body to handle. He shouldn't have done it. And now he knew; he was paying the price.

Mathieu screamed silently as the pain got worse and worse, feeling his airways physically constrict more than usual as his heart worked in overdrive. An icy cold sweat broke out all over his body; his body trembling from the top of his head to the very tips over his toes. Colours danced in front of his eyes from the lack of oxygen in his body.

He was so scared.

He looked pleadingly up to the ceiling, praying to anyone who would listen to take this away. He didn't mean to have gotten out of control. It had just happened.

_Please…please don't let me die! I'm sorry! I won't be selfish anymore and let Alfred do as he wishes! _Mathieu sobbed silently. In his mind he could see flashes of the happier times between him and his brother.

The first was one of them as little kids; holding hands and running through a large field as they hid from Francis during a game of Hide-and-Seek. The second one was of them during their first day of middle school. Naturally, everyone had flocked to Alfred and his boisterous attitude. Mathieu was off to the side, holding his tiny pet polar bear, and looking down at his shoes sadly. The scene changed as a hand reached out to him in his memory, Mathieu looking up to see Alfred smiling. The final scene was of the month before everything had gone to hell. He and Alfred were curled up in bed together. The American was already asleep and Mathieu was just watching him with fond eyes.

"_I love you…" _he whispered in his memory.

As he finally gave up fighting the darkness off unconsciousness, Mathieu crumpled to the floor. His eyes focused just one more time, long enough to see his little polar bear pad into the room.

"Who?" Mr Kumajirou tilted his head to the side, walking over and nudging Mathieu with his paw.

Mathieu took in as large of a breath as he could to tell his little friend just who he needed before everything went black.

"_Al…fred…"_

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><p><strong>Sooo...what do you think? I like it. It's a good start for sure and is already turning out to be better then I Am Broken. But, since most people probably don't know much about Type 2 Brittle Asthma, I did a little bit of research. Thank Gott for Google. XD<strong>

**_Type 2 attacks come on very quickly without warning and often require emergency hospital admission and may lead to unconsciousness. Between attacks people can feel well controlled. It is equally common in both men and women. Possible trigger factors include inhalation of something that causes an allergic reaction._**

**I got this from on article on the severe & Brittle Asthma Unit - Birmingham Heartland Hospital webpage. See? I don't just write blind. ;)**

**~Superschwiizer**


	2. Chapter 2

**Oh my god I actually have a computer to do this with! I'm so happy! :D**

**Disclaimer: Okay, so I mention Team Four Star a bit in this aaaand I don't own them. :3 And I don't own Hetalia either, sadly! DX**

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><p>As Mattie finally became more aware of the world around him, consciousness returning, it wasn't to the theme of Alfred being obnoxious and hyper like he would have wanted. No, it was to an earsplittingly loud K-pop song being sung by his equally loud best friend. The Canadian furrowed his eyebrows as the bed shifted beside him.<p>

'I'm almost scared to open my eyes now…' he thought. He felt the bed shift again and slowly cracked open a single eye, squeaking a bit and flowing his eyes open the rest of the way.

Mathieu's first view after waking up was of his friend Im Yong Soo – all smiling hair and huge brown eyes – staring at him intently. Blinking a few time, Mattie shifted back to see if he could break this awkward staring contest. But Yong Soo only followed him, their noses bumping together.

He finally had enough once he was shrunk back as far as he could into his bed and sighed. "Why are you looking at me? Oh, and get off!"

Mattie lifted his hands and pushed Yong Soo off him, finally allowing himself to sit up. It was more difficult than he wished, his arms wobbling a bit as they held him up. But he figured it was better than lying down and letting Yong Soo stare at him creepily again.

"Your hair looks horrible," Yong Soo said, looking him up and down with a critical eye. "It looks like you've been run over by a monster truck or something."

Mattie glared at him, annoyed already. "Oh shut up. I've been asleep for I don't know how long. I can't help it." He pouted a bit before raising his hands to his hair to assess the damage. He didn't like looking bad…

Yong Soo laughed, patting Mattie on the head. "Don't worry. Hair products were made in Korea so we can fix it."

"Thanks… Wait, how long was I out?"

Yong Soo sat back and crossed his arms, a thoughtful look pulling his lips into a slight pout. "Well…your brother called me on Monday, panicking about finding you passed out in your bathroom…I got here on Tuesday…and I've been watching you intently for like two days…so it's like Thursday. So, not very long." He grinned happily at his friend.

Mattie nodded, looking down at his hands. So Alfred hadn't even bothered to come home yet. Well, what had he really expected? After sending so many hurtful texts Alfred probably wouldn't want anything to do with him ever again. But that's what he wanted…

Right?

Mathieu felt his heart sink at the thought of never seeing Alfred again. It hurt surprisingly more then he thought it would and made his eyes prickle as if he was going to cry. The Canadian flinched as Yong Soo placed his hands on his shoulder. Wiping his eyes, he looked up at his friend. "What?"

Yong Soo was just smiling at him. Not his usual excited grin, but a comforting one that made Mattie feel a little bit better. "Don't worry, Maple-Boy. I'm sure he'll come back."

The Canadian blinked his big lavender eyes in confusion. "How do you…?"

"Oh, I read your text messages," Yong Soo beamed at him.

Mattie blinked again before sighing, shaking his head. He allowed a light smile to grace his delicate features. "Of course you did…"

"Well, of course I did. I mean, you were total boring and…"

Tuning his friend out, the lavender eyed beauty sat back and looked up at the ceiling. 'I wonder how much fun Alfred and Arthur are having together…They're probably going on the London Eye at night and watching the sun rise…' he smiled softly again. 'I hope Arthur is making Al his favourite pancakes…strawberry, chocolate, banana and blueberry… What a fucked up combination.'

"Oh, and Gilbert is coming here this year."

Mattie blinked, jolting out of his thoughts. He looked at Yong Soo quickly. "What did you say?"

"What part?" Yong Soo began counting on his fingers. "There was the part about the monkeys, then Dragon Ball, then Yao's hair issue, then-"

"The part about Gilbert, you dumbass!"

"Oh! Right. Yeah! He called Francis and Antonio and told them he was coming back," Yong Soo grinned sheepishly. "Oh, and not to tell you. Sorry."

Mattie looked down at his hands, smiling. How long had it been since he'd seen Gilbert? Two, three years? He remembered when the albino German had always come over to hang out with Francis and Antonio. Even though he was two years older than Mathieu, he always made sure the little Canadian didn't feel left out. But after he left to take care of a sick family member with his brother Ludwig, it just didn't feel right for Mathieu to spend time with just Francis and Antonio. But now he was coming back and everything seemed just a little bit brighter even with the whole Alfred thing.

"Do you wanna go see him? He should be here by now," Yong Soo said.

Mattie nodded quickly, smiling happily. "Yeah! Just let me shower!"

After a quick shower, Mattie quickly threw some clothes on. Without even bothering to dry his hair, they ran off in search of Gilbert.

They slowed to a panting walk as they neared the upperclassmen hallways. After walking for a while, they heard a chuckling that couldn't belong to anyone else but Gilbert coming from the room of Antonio Carriedo.

"I think we found him," Yong Soo grinned, pointing at the Spaniard's door.

Mathieu smiled and nodded. He rapped lightly on the door three times. Butterflies danced in his stomach, making him feel like Jell-O. He hadn't expected to be this nervous. But there was no turning back now.

The butterflies surged even more as the door opened and Mathieu looked up. He smiled brightly to see the German looking down at him.

"Mattie?"

"Gilbert!" Mathieu jumped and hugged Gilbert around his neck, standing on his tiptoes to do so.

Gilbert stumbled backwards a bit, wrapping his arms around the little Canadian in return. "Geez, birdie. Don't do that. I might have fallen and that so wouldn't have been awesome."

Mattie smiled and giggled, clinging tighter to the larger man. Oh, God how he'd missed him. Now that he'd seen him, he knew how much he had missed the red-eyed man. The pain of Alfred not caring was still there but felt a little better.

A few hours later found Mattie, Yong Soo, Gilbert and Antonio sitting around a table and laughing like crazed maniacs. Gilbert had Antonio in a head lock and was trying to force feed him more beer, not taking no for an answer.

"Let go, you bastard!"

"Never! Kesesese~ Drink more! Do it!"

Mattie giggled as the two fell to the floor, wrestling and hitting each other with random items around the room. He sipped his drink lightly, savouring the fruity taste. When he had asked for something weak, sweet and fruity, Gilbert had called him a "freaking girl!" and laughed maniacally. But he'd made it anyway and it was the same one from the beginning of the drinking party.

The buzzing of his cell phone distracted him from the wrestling. Setting his drink down, Mattie pulled out his mobile and opened the text.

_Mattie, I'll be home tomorrow. I have something important to ask you and I really need you to listen. I finally read all of your text and I know how angry you are so…please at least hear me out, okay? Love you, Al._

Mathieu felt his happiness drop again as he read the text. Alfred's text used to make him so happy but now he just couldn't be. But he couldn't just ignore it and move on. Mathieu was raised better than that. Deciding he would hear him out, Mattie typed out a quick reply and put his phone away.

'I'll worry about that tomorrow,' he thought, sipping his drink again.

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><p>Lying on his bed in an over-sized t-shirt, Mattie was giggling at his laptop. "God dammit, Nappa…" he giggled again, smiling happily.<p>

He looked up as the door suddenly opened, watching as Alfred may his way into the room. The American smiled sheepishly at him, setting his bags down.

"H-Hey, Mattie…"

The Canadian regarded him coldly before looking away and closing his laptop. "Hello, Alfred."

He sat up and set his laptop off to the side, sitting up and crossing his arms. Alfred looked over at him and sighed, running a hand back through his short, messy blonde hair. His eyes were sad behind his wire framed glasses.

"Look, Mattie…. I-I'm sorry, okay…? I didn't think my spending time with Arthur bothered you so much…" he walked over and sat by the little Canadian, not meeting his eyes.

Mattie arched an eyebrow, "Sorry? You're sorry? What the fuck, you think I'm just going to forgive you if you just say _sorry_? You abandoned me from like a month and just expect me to forgive you? Like hell! You can't just walk all over me!"

He was left panting at the end of his rant, gripping at his shirt so tightly his knuckles turned white. After a while of both of them remaining silent, Mathieu looked up. His eyes widen as he saw Alfred's face.

Fat tears rolled down the American's face, falling onto the back of his hands. His strong shoulders were shaking in an almost painfully matter. Mathieu had never seen him so vulnerable and it made his heart slowly begin to soften.

'He's crying…'

Alfred raised his head to look Mattie in the eye, opening and closing his mouth a few times before beginning to speak.

"Oh God, baby… I-I'm so…I'm so sorry… I-I didn't…I didn't mean…" Alfred stopped speaking as his sobbing made his voice keep cracking.

Mattie's hand lifted up to cover his mouth, tears prickling his own lavender eyes. He couldn't stand seeing his love like this. The depression and pain emanating out of Alfred was painful, excruciatingly painful. Tentatively, Mathieu reached out and lightly placed his hand on the American's cheek. Cobalt eyes tilted up and locked with lavender.

"Please don't cry…" Mattie whispered softly, so softly he wasn't sure if Alfred would hear him.

Alfred gazed at him for a long moment before letting out a soft chuckle and a sad grin. "Okay…but only for you."

The American reached out and gently bundled his little love into his arm. Mathieu rested his head on one of his broad shoulders, letting one hand rest on his lap while the other clutched lightly at the front of Alfred's bomber jacket. The steady beating from the cobalt eyed man's heart soothed him slowly, causing his lavender eyes to fall lightly closed.

They sat like that for a long while. With Alfred lightly rocking Mathieu and murmuring gentle phrases of love into his beautiful blonde hair. After what felt like hours, the Canadian shifted and looked up at him with confusion and slight hurt in his ocular orbs.

"Alfred…" he began hesitantly, biting his lip and worrying it between pearly white teeth. "Why do you spend so much time with him…?"

The American sighed and leaned back on his right hand, running the left back through his hair. "Should've seen that coming…" he chuckled mirthlessly. "Look, Mattie, I know you deserve an answer but…I just can't tell you right now, okay?"

Mathieu's heart sank and he looked away. His hands curled into fists on his lap, trembling slightly from the strain. "Why can't you tell me…? What the hell makes it so important?"

"I just can't tell you, baby… I'm so sorry."

'Like hell he is,' the Canadian thought hatefully, refusing to look up and catch that stupid, idiotic grin he knew Alfred would be beaming in apology. "Whatever, I don't even give a-"

"It's a surprise for you."

Mathieu stopped and blinked, looking up at his love. "What?" 'Yeah, real creative, Matt,' his inner self taunted. He ignored the little voice and just kept watching Alfred.

Al grinned wide and nodded happily, twirling a lock of Mathieu's hair around his finger. "Yeah! So don't be mad, okay? I'm not cheating, I'm not leaving, and I'm planning something for you. And Arthur just happens to be a little smarter than me so he's been helping me out."

The Canadian blinked his eyes slowly, trying to absorb the information given to him. 'It's for me?' he wondered in amazement, feeling swirls of confusion dance in his stomach in the form of little butterflies. 'But I have everything I want. What could it be?'

He was jolted from his reverie as Alfred kissed his forehead and wrapped his arms tighter around his slighter form.

"Hey, don't think too hard about it," he chuckled. "You'll find out soon enough."

His words calmed Mathieu a bit and he smiled lightly. He found comfort in the way that Alfred's arms tightened around him and held him against that broad expanse of chest. Deciding he could deal with a little suspense, he looked up at the American.

"Fine. But you owe me a manicure, pedicure, and are doing my American History homework."

Alfred laughed but nodded his consent, grinning broadly to show each and every one of his pearly whites. "Deal."

A little while later, Mathieu was sitting with his laptop once again as Alfred showered. For some reason he just couldn't stop smiling as his fingers danced lightly over the keys. Knowing that Alfred wasn't being as huge a douche as he had believed made his entire spirit just feel a little better. The fact he had one less thing to worry about made his lungs feel less restricted, and even though he knew it was just a psychological thing, it felt so much better.

After finishing up an email to Yong Soo about what had happened, he shut his laptop off and closed it. He set it on the nightstand and stood, walking over and into the bathroom.

"You done ye-"he stopped as he saw Alfred staring at him, a small bottle of Mathieu's medication in his hand. His body went icy as Alfred lifted his gaze to meet the little Canadian's, eyebrows furrowed in confusion and worry.

"Mattie? What are these?"

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><p><strong>Dun Dun Duuuuuun! Aren't I horrible for being so suspenseful? XD Anyway, sorry this took so long to come out. I was at my Dad's and his computer died so I had to wait until I got home. Plus it was too hot to even type! O.o Frickin summer...<strong>

**I hope you all like this. I know I do. :)**

**I listened to/watched a lot of Team Four Star and Littlekuriboh while writing this. Hence why Mattie was watching some. :3 I think he would like it. XD Lols and I love Gilly in this! I'm not mean to him this time! :D**

**Well, I'm done talking soooo...Vegeta, little help?**

**Vegeta- SHUT THE *BLEEP* UP I GOTTA PEE! *runs out of the room***

**Uhh...that's great...**

**Rate and Review everyone. Or I'll send Mr Popo after you. :3**

**~Superschwiizer**


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